I Know Where I've Been

So, today marked the day I auditioned for a show after a long period of submitting videos.  My last face to face audition took place in February at PCPA (Pacific Conservatory Performing Arts) in Santa Maria, CA.  I auditioned for Hairspray, a show that's dear to my heart, a show in which I was nominated for a Helen Hayes Award (Best Supporting Actress) for exceptional actors in this region.  I've been fortunate to do this show several times and each time has been an experience BEYOND what I could have conjured up! My Creator showed me incredible favor and I developed MANY relationships as a result of this show.  Not to mention, the show has a POWERFUL message of love and acceptance...

Back to the audition, I didn't get the part.  Although, I was led to believe the part was mine.  Either way, I wasn't upset.  I'm learning: auditions are relative, they are subjective.  There are so many variables that play into whether or not an actor gets a role.  You can prepare and do an excellent job but it really depends on the casting team and what THEY are looking for.  While it is very important to care, as an actor you have to be very comfortable with "No's", you have to know HOW to accept rejection.  Not being cast for your dream role, isn't always predicated on your talent or lack thereof, sometimes, you just don't fit the type.  It's not always easy to accept but with time and determination, it becomes easier to put it in its' proper perspective!

Well, today I auditioned for a local Children's Theatre and I believe my audition went OK but I walked away from it feeling some kind of way....  Although, I was grateful for the experience, I felt like it's time for me to get  another creative surge...I felt like something was missing, my passion...my connectivity.  I delivered my monologue and sang my song BUT I wasn't there.  I've been so overwhelmed by the demands of my 9-5 job, that it was hard for me to transition.  I've noticed that my creative energy has been smothered by the demands of what I am EXPECTED and REQUIRED to do.  Daily, I try to rehearse these words:  "Happiness is the JOURNEY not the destination.   Jesaira, don't worry be happy."  I would be lying if I said I knew exactly what the Lord had planned but the truth of the matter is this:  I HAVE NO CLUE!  I'm going with the FLOW and I am not sure of my next step.  Literally, I feel like I'm been led around in a dark room with many mazes, detours and turns.  And sometimes, that's down right scary....

I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN....

I can't tell you HOW many times I've sang this song but there is a part of this song that resonates in my heart.  The second verse says:

There's a cry 

In the distance 

It's a voice that comes from deep within 

There's a cry asking why I pray the answer's up ahead 

'Cause I know where I've been.

There is a CRY within my heart...although, I know where I've been, I'm not quite sure I know where I'm going...I guess this is where my faith must kick in...I'm praying that the answer is UP AHEAD...Sometimes, this uncertainty is down right frustrating.  So, after my audition today, I decided I needed to do something to get my creative surge, my creative edge back.  LOL.  Therefore, I'm writing this blog, lending my voice.  Presently, I'm in rehearsals for an upcoming show and I've been extremely disconnected. While I am looking forward to playing the role - the rehearsal process has been very hard for me, I'm fighting my insecurities and my nervous energies.  I'm a perfectionist and when I am not my best, I am very hard on myself.  I believe I will get through it.

So, today I auditioned and we will see what happens....  I know where I've been, not sure of where I am going BUT I am learning to trust God.

Lending my voice,

Lady J

Let's talk about SEX!!

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me....let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that maybe, let's about sex...SO let's talk about it!! I decided to be a little spicy because last couple of weeks, I haven't had as many page views as my first post and I want you to read my post.  Read and be engaged... :-) Anyway, I guess I enjoy opening my blogs with song titles each week because I am a singer first and I connect immediately music and lyrics.  I hope the title grabbed your attention.  Well, by virtue of the fact you are reading this blog right now, I believe it did....

So, let's talk about SEX, a popular song by the group, Salt & Pepa back in the 90's (I believe).  So, if you are waiting for me to disclose my sexual experiences, I don't think I'm ready to do that (T.M.I.) BUT I will talk about Surviving the EX.  Yep, that's right, I'm talking about S.E.X. - moving forward after the EX.

Last couple of years, my dating relationships have been extremely interesting!  YES, I date (for all who may be shocked), I date and I have a wonderful time meeting new, beautiful men and getting free meals (when I can)!  There are some many different types of men - the assertive one, the shy one, the rich one, the educated one, the egotistical one, the gorgeous one, the healthy one, the sweet one, the fly brother, the make you wanna smack your mama brotha....Lawd Jesus, I can go on and on...God did a good thing when He created men!    And WELL, then, there is the insecure one, the boring one, the not-so-cute but has a nice heart one, the extremely obese one, the need help with dress one, the one with bad breath, the broke one, the one who fears commitment, the immature one and the CONFUSED one....  Well, unfortunately, I've been running into some "confused" brothers...confused about their desires, confused about their sexuality, confused about life in general!  Be clear this is not a male bashing session because I absolutely LOVE men!  My, my, I'm getting excited...  LOL!  However, I acknowledge and realize that male/female relationships are not easy, especially when you are dating and learning about a person.   So, back to my point about confusion - it's cool to be confused but to stay confused is another matter altogether....somebody say, "UNHEALTHY!!"

As I stated earlier, I've been dating - meeting a lot of good men and meeting a lot of bad ones at the same time.  However, I discovered, sometimes the bad ones are not always as visible or detectable as we would like to believe or even have been taught to discern.  Sometimes, the character or lack thereof shows up after several months or so of dating.  And sometimes, it shows up immediately and if that case, BELIEVE what YOU SEE...it's real!!

So, I met a very attractive guy was REALLY into him and I thought he was into me as well.  We had a wonderful connection, on all levels!  Great communication, great chemistry, very attractive, intelligent, all of these good qualities, any woman wants.  However, we had a major problem - he was very inconsistent in his actions which released confusion in our relationship and when we communicated about it, we argued instead. I really tried to understand his perspective and I believe women should always seek to understand and communicate with men.  At the end of the day, I believe we all want the same thing - we just communicate very DIFFERENTLY and we have different expectations!!!

We dated off and on for almost 9 months.  There were things I accepted about him because I saw beyond the external, heck I saw his potential.  But listen ladies, you can "see" potential ALL you want, unless HE believes in HIMSELF...he will not demonstrate or show forth that potential.  It wasn't enough for me to believe in him because he was confused and his state of confusion created damage and hurt in our relationship.  I acknowledge, I stuck around for some time because perhaps I was afraid of being alone (did I say that??); however, I realized, "Hey Jesaira, there are other men fish in the sea!"  LOL!!!!  LOL!!!!  Long story short, I decided to end the relationship and here is the motivation behind this post!

My ego was a little bruised because I allowed this gentleman to enter my personal space and he took up time and once you lose time, heck you can't get it back!  And to some extent, I was emotionally connected.   Lastly, I was praying and hoping for the brother!   :-)  Ladies, confusion really is NOT of God...it really isn't and we can not allow men to come into our atmospheres, our living space and release confusion.  Confusion is a negative energy which cripples and impedes progress!  So, let's talk about SEX!  I'm moving on and out.  Here's my philosophy, when things don't work out, SURVIVE the EX.  How do we "survive" the ex?  Here's are my thoughts:

1.  First of all, determine within yourself - I will SURVIVE!!  Moving forward consist of being resilient and determined to LIVE...to live a life that is best suited for you and not to let the "EX" have power.  Don't stay mad about it, get glad and MOVE forward!
2.  Acknowledge YOUR part in the relationship and LEARN from it.  Sometimes experience is a great teacher...don't despise the experience, LEARN from it and then help others.
3.  Be willing to take another RISK!  Sometimes, true love isn't so easy to believe for and find.  Wait on it and get out there again - some people are just NOT compatible and it's okay....
4.  Create a list of non-negotiable qualities
5.  Lastly, bring CLOSURE.  Accept the relationship for where it is and keep it there.  If it's dead, let is STAY dead, don't try to resurrect something that's unhealthy!  It's a closed chapter in the book of your life and it's all good because there is more to be written!!

Listen, y'all - I ain't mad, I'm GOOD...I just wanted to share my story because somebody needed to hear this today.  Ladies and men, KNOW your worth!  Don't ever settle for second best, when BEST is waiting out there...just wait for space, time and opportunity - once they collide you will discover what you've been looking for.  One of my male friends told me that sometimes men don't know what they want and truth be told, sometimes women DON'T either...can I just be real?!?!  However, I am committed to working on being clear about what I want and my desires...we all should right?!  LOL!!!  Some nerves, huh??  Wasn't this great dialogue, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed piquing your interest, hope you felt the same way...I can't wait to share more...Yep, I'm talking about SEX - SURVIVING the EX and I'm doing well, how about you????

ENJOY your week!

Lending my voice,

Lady J