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Sunday, March 13, 2016

Just a little conversation

Today, I had a little conversation with myself and it kinda went like this:  "Jesaira, why can't you seem to find love?  What's wrong with you?"  I answered myself with tears streaming down my eyes.  Next thing I knew, I was crying uncontrollably, you know (that ugly cry).  Once I finally regained my composure, I sat in complete silence for about 30 minutes.  After 30 minutes of complete silence, I heard a voice say "I want to you let go of that negative thinking and see yourself like I see you.  Love is first found from within."  Furthermore, I heard "stop having a conversation with self-doubt and self-pity; rather, converse with truth...converse with beauty....embrace the fact that you have opportunity and time to be the best version of you, you could ever be!"  If I'm honest, tears still filled my eyes but I began to embrace peace.  I begin to understand the need to detox and to divorce  myself from a negative perception that told me I was not worthy of love and commitment.  It's not my loss because I actually have a lot to offer. Singles ladies...this struggle is so real to me and when love doesn't love you back, it's even more challenging and disappointing (heart-wrenching).  I'm determined not to limit myself to the love and approval of one man...instead, I am daily choosing to see the "brighter side" of things.  Today, I was reminded to have another conversation....I was reminded to stop conversing with negativity and to have a little conversation with LOVE...that self love that comes from ABOVE.  I'm learning to love me all over again and although, I will be 42 years old in just a few months and I'm still single, I am hopeful the best is yet to come!

Yielding my voice,

Lady J

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Singleness - REAL TALK

Hey everyone!

Today, I was talking about the challenge of dating with a few friends and I think that conversation may have prompted this blog entry.  So, thank you (you know who you are).  :-)

It's been quite some time since I've written a blog article and now, I feel it's time for me to write again.  Very honestly, I've just closed the door on a very difficult season and this blog is a message of transparency to encourage singles waiting for Love.  Waiting for mutual love can be a very daunting and discouraging process fueled by the feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and loneliness.  Depending on your daily environment, it can be a constant reminder of failure and lack.  Admittedly, there are times, I feel like an outsider looking in.  In an effort to comfort my soul, I shift my focus to other things to occupy my thoughts - sometimes it works and other times, it does not.  I am writing this post because I have felt the heart of my fellow singles and it is NOT always an easy journey.  I've heard it said to be content and yes, being content is a part of learning how to be fulfilled as a single but it does not negate the feelings of inadequacies and failure especially when you've purposed to wait on God.  Can I be honest??  Being single can be the best of times but also the worst of times.  It can be a moment of much success and quiet failure.  It can be a time of much joy and secret sorrow.

I struggled with writing this blog because taking a risk like this can be costly.  However, I realize I am a voice and I believe this blog will help somebody.  I know what it's like to put your heart on an open platter for love not to be mutually returned and respected.  I know what it is to try to live life as a celibate individual and yet fail because your desires are screaming out at you.  I know what it is to be a Christian and feel like God has turned his back on the thing your heart desires.  I know what it is to live in the throws of man's ambiguity and personal confusion while waiting in hopeful anticipation.  I know what it is to suffer alone in silence while the rest of the world thinks you're okay.  I know what it is to be told that your personal standards are too high and as such, you will never experience true love.  I know what it is to say the words "I love you" and NOT hear the same in return.  I know what it is to struggle with a broken heart, left to feel like it's the end of the world and you're nothing.  Essentially, I am writing this blog to tell you my fellow single: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I also want to affirm the struggle is real YET I am learning there is hope.  Key word is learning.  Sometimes, it looks bleak and feels hopeless but it takes courage to love.  It takes courage to feel again and to take the risk.  It takes courage to wait for the right one to love you in return...simply put, it takes courage. 

So, as I wait for LOVE (as we wait for love), please know that being honest about where you are is the beginning of accepting and fully embracing your singleness.  Fight the urge to be jealous and to be presumptuous.  I know you might get angry with God, I've been there too, still struggle at times with that but YOU are worth loving...you are beautiful, you are amazing!  You're gorgeous...drop dead gorgeous and the right somebody will come along to recognize and honor you appropriately.  You won't have to convince them because they will be willing.  Resist the urge to compare yourself to other single friends and be true to who you are.  Never be afraid to take risk and learn to discern when someone is tampering with your heart and wasting your time.  When someone fails to regard your heart, move quickly away from such treatment and detox yourself from such poison.  Forgive quickly and move forward.  You never know....LOVE just might be on the other side.

I'm encouraged, hope you are as well!

Lending my voice,

Lady J

Saturday, July 27, 2013

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Hello family,

So, today as I am preparing for rehearsal, I am reflecting back on my weight journey.  Maintaining my weight has always been challenging and I really thought I conquered the beast back in 1999, when I lost nearly 125 pounds.  While I am not the size I was back in 1999, I've regained 60 of those pounds back...ugh!  Here I am now, struggling to lose weight again but this time it's different - my body is different (hormones are going crazy), my living conditions are different, my temperament and tenacity are different and it's HARD.   I'm sharing publicly because there is something very therapeutic about being open...being open and honest HELPS me and I am not ashamed.

Here I am AGAIN but the other day, I had an eye-opening experience and I saw the light...  One of my friends challenged me to get on the scale and it pissed me OFF!  It was much easier to feel the extra pounds than to get on the scale and SEE it for yourself.  There's nothing like TRUTH staring you in the face.  Anyway, I accepted the challenge and got on the scale...this year alone, I packed on 15 pounds...this is since my showcase in November.  Ridiculous!!  It dawned on me that I could not approach this journey as I had back in 1999....everything is DIFFERENT.  This time required a deeper understanding, one that would keep me hopeful and motivated even when I want to throw in the towel.  So, it hit me...God spoke to my heart and gently said: "Take it one day at a time; I am here and will lead you...I will be your DAILY provision."  The lights went off and suddenly I released myself from being perfect...  I realize the challenge with losing weight this time is the fact that I am so disciplined in other areas of my life so I despise having to restrict my dietary habits.  Certainly, I should be able to do something without being concerned about the consequences....eating has been my past time...my guilty pleasure.  I felt the calmness and peace of God come over me as I begin to understand that my success in this area will happen...ONE DAY AT A TIME...STEP BY STEP...BIT BY BIT...and now I'm free...  In addition to reading the Bible, I decided to incorporate reading one inspiring story each day...it's a free app on Gateway computers and it's pretty awesome to keep me encouraged.  Lastly, I have adopted this revelation as my new mantra and I will shout it from the mountain top with NO GUILT, CONDEMNATION AND REGRET --- "ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!"

Until next time....

Lending my voice,

Lady J

Monday, June 3, 2013

FLIGHT

Hello family,

So, yesterday I had a life altering experience and I decided to share.  Saturday I flew into Detroit to sing at a wedding and came right back the next day to close the Wiz.  Anyone who knows me intimately knows that while I love traveling, I don't like flying.  Flying is just not my cup of tea and I do it because I have too.  At any rate, when I fly I literally pray over the plane, the pilots and the flight attendants.  Upon entering/boarding the plane, I lay BOTH hands on the plane to dispatch my angels.  Yes, I do it...don't laugh at me!  Being 10,000+ feet in the high is NO joke and I value my life.  Anyway, I've had bad flights in my day BUT yesterday was the WORST FLIGHT ever.  Not sure if you are familiar with the movie "Flight" with Denzel Washington, well it was a great movie and yesterday, can I say the turbulence was SO bad that I really thought the plane was going to crash.  People began to holler on the plane, a couple in front of me begin to cuddle and I began to pray.  In the midst of all of this, the pilot commands the flight attendants to return to their seats immediately and not to get up until further notice - mind you the flight from Detroit to Baltimore is a little over an hour.  In the midst of this heavy turbulence, I hit my head as I had a window seat and several people began to vomit much like the movie Flight.  As I begin to pray, I told the Lord, "look I have purpose on my life and this is not how I expected my end to look".   I heard a quiet voice say, "this is not the way in which your life will end so, relax."  WHAT!?!  Relax, when I am 10,000+ feet in the air and we are dropping several thousand feet at a time...  Long story short, the flight attendants were never able to serve us because we had turbulence the entire time...horrible flight.

What is the point of sharing?  I believe I learning something about how God holds us while in tumultuous seasons and times.  God never promised us that the road would be easy.  As a matter of fact, He lets us know that MANY are the afflictions of the righteous BUT He delivers us out of them all.  You see, I'm a resourceful purpose.  In other words, I'm a producer and I know HOW to make things happen particularly when times are rough and I am faced with a challenge.   One of my favorite saying is, "Where there's a will, there's a way" and I firmly believe that BUT there are times when we cannot do anything about the trouble we face.  Yesterday I faced trouble far beyond my control and anyone else for that matter.   The scripture says God holds (Psalms 139:10) us in HIS hands...For when we are in the hands of the Lord, NO ENEMY can dare pluck us out...while HE may try, he won't succeed.  I'm grateful because talking with my sister helped me realize this truth and perhaps the only way the Lord could get ME to learn THAT lesson was to allow yesterday to happen.

It is clear to me now, it is GOD who holds my future, who determines my life and who allows turbulent winds to come.  Even when storms are raging and winds are blowing, God protects His own...He is in control and in HIM there is no failure.  What's the moral here, we have to learn to TRUST HIM when we can't trace Him especially during tough times.  The other lesson here is that GOD IS IN CONTROL...we can only manipulate so much...He is the only sovereign Lord.

Lending my voice,

Lady J

Sunday, May 19, 2013

SMILE...

So, today is my birthday and I woke up inspired to write. Yesterday, I was just sharing about how cathartic it is for me to write.  I woke up inspired to share my story and I woke up realizing one of the greatest assets I have to offer is my smile.  There are those who say I smile TOO much and then there are those who anticipate a smile from me.  Generally, I keep a smile on my face but lately, the enemy of my soul has tried to robbed me of one of my greatest assets...my smile.  Here's a little poetic piece I decided to write today...

Life for my ain't been no crystal stair and for many, many years a frown is what I'd often wear.
Depressed and weighed down by what others say
Drowning in their opinions, nothing but judgment and heresay
Trials and disappointments diabolically sent to take me off course
Yet for a second, I'm derailed because I forgot God was my source
But today, I woke up, rain all around
Cloudy, seemingly dreary BUT I suddenly begin to SMILE.
I smile because I understand my day has arrived
No more waiting but anticipating the harvest - it's my time.
Keep on smiling, never let anything rob you of your joy
Turn that frown upside down and for THIS robs the enemy of his ploy

Last night, I had an interesting conversation with a gentleman who came to see "the Wiz" and he complimented me on my personality/smile.  I smiled and say thank you.  He proceeded to say, "you seem to have this innate ability to make people laugh."  I nodded and agreed but then I begin to tell him the truth "there were many days I did not smile, I could not smile and once I allowed myself to be free in the arms of God, I've been smiling ever since."  My smile is indeed one of the greatest assets and contributions I could ever offer and even when I do have moments of despair, I strive to muster up a smile.  Why?  Because a smile, YOUR smile has the innate power to DISMISS, to ANNIHILATE and DESTROY the plot of your enemy.  Think about it.  It makes people very uncomfortable when you break out into a smile.  The last two weeks for me have been inundated with challenges designed to ROB me of my smile.  HA!  However, today I woke up....I snapped out of it and remembered "girl, you were born for such a time as this and no matter, show those pearly whites and SMILE!"  So, today as I approach a new day (my birthday), I am reminded to KEEP SMILING...

The pain will not last always and the trouble will soon pass....smile because your new day is here!  Look outside, it's raining, it's pouring and your moment of refreshing is NOW!  So, SMILE....

Until next time....

Lending my voice,

Lady J

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Blemished but Flawless

Good morning, family!

I started this blog over a year ago while I was on tour and now I finally feel like it's time to release it so here it goes....

10/19/2011
After a day filled with intense rehearsal and arduous coursework, It's 3:34am and I am still awake.  I can't sleep, so I decided to write.  There is something very therapeutic about writing your thoughts and expressing yourself on paper.

Right now, I am in FL rehearsing for Menopause the Musical in Concert Tour and I've had a lot of time to think. Making the decision to accept this job wasn't an easy one but I do believe it was a God-ordained opportunity.  As such, I'm here and we will see where this journey takes us...

After I showered and began to prepare for bed this evening, I stopped to look at myself in the mirror.  Glaring back at me was something quite embarrassing and bothersome.  I began to examine, my flawed-blemished skin  as I have many, many times before.  I begin to reflect on how many medications I have received to treat my "flawed skin" and how none of them have seemed to work.   My most recent visit to the dermatologist was so depressing that I decided not to return. Not only was I humiliated but the doctor was so rude and insensitive that I vowed to never go back.  This original post was over a year ago....

FAST FORWARD TO NOW.....

2/5/2013
Skin care is important to most women and when you work in entertainment it is critical!!  Well, beautiful skin has been a fair weathered friend, something I've longed to achieve. My skin now is the worst it's ever been!!  :-(  As a teen, I remember being so insecure about my skin....I felt people where just living for the moments to point out the flawed areas of my skin.  While people would always compliment my teeth and my smile, I always knew people paid attention to my skin.  For many years, I struggled with accepting the fact that I was beautiful after all my skin was blemished full of acne...and I had a huge birthmark on my neck....ugh!! The moment I decided to pursue entertainment, I kept hearing "you will never make it because you are not pretty enough plus you're fat!"  One day I heard God speak to my heart and He challenged me to go outside without make up.,.,what?!  Are you serious???  No!!  I have to cover up everything!  He challenged me once again and said "what are you covering up?? What do you have to hide?  I love just the way you are and I want you to love yourself unconditionally." You see, everything that God created was good, He saw it was good because it ultimately is an extension of Him.  So that day I refused to put on makeup - I mean no make up!!  I felt extremely vulnerable and embarrassed but at the same time I was freed!!!  Freedom is becoming my portion in this area of my life and for the first time, I refused to hide from myself.  He reminded me of our conversation back in Florida, October 2011.  I saw myself just for who I was and although my skin wasn't perfect, there was something perfect about me just being me.  He didn't make a mistake...the Sovereign Lord does all things well!  He wanted me to be assured that there was something just right about Jesaira and I should not desire to change it but rather commit to embracing me even in my imperfections...  (Next time you see me, please don't stare at my face to view my flaws....that's just plain rude).  

Whats my point??  Well, I still struggle to this day to have perfect skin but I've learned to love me in spite of it all because external things don't define me exclusively.  There's more to me than my skin. Just like I am not my hair....I am not this skin either...I'm not your expectation-nope!  I am the soul that lives within!!  I'm learning to embrace me with every idiosyncrasy and deficiency; and although I'm blemished in many ways, I'm flawless before my Creator!!  And so are you my friends!!  He alone has the ability to fix the flawed, blemished areas of the heart, the soul.  Our responsibility is to love ourselves unconditionally...why?  If God can invest Himself in us and give of Himself...why can't I accept this truth and abide in peace.  Yea, I'm blemished but in His presence I'm flawless, wonderfully and fearfully made.  I am beautiful AND so are YOU!!

Lending my voice,


Lady J

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Ease on Down the Road

Hey family,

It's a good time to be alive!  Today, I woke up pondering all of the blessings God has bestowed upon my life and I am grateful.  Many doors are opening while simultaneously many are shutting. However, I am convinces this is a GREAT time to be alive.  The last few days I have been inudated with many projects and new opportunities; much to my amazement things are faring well!  Despite my tendency to be a perfectionist, I am learning to ENJOY this process...

The other day I mentioned to a friend of mine that as I approach 40 (yes, I will be forty years old next year), my perspective on life is shifting.  As a younger person, I remember living to please others, needing their validation/approval.  Now, I am at a point in my life, where the opinions of others do not mean as much.  I'm learning how to be comfortable in my skin, after all life is short and the end of the day, I want to be proud of the life I chose live.  So, the other day while I was shopping at Columbia Mall (I was reviewing music in my head from the Wiz) and it HIT me.  It's like the light bulb came on!  I began to reflect on the lyrics of the song: "Com'on ease on down, ease on down the road...don't you carry NOTHING that might be a load."  FREEDOM!!!  It was in that moment, I purposed to ease on down the road...no more struggling, no more contention but I would force myself to do things in ease - freedom from labor or pain!  No MORE DIS-EASE!  There is a road with my name on it, with your name on it and it is a path purposed for you.  Despite whatever obstacles or obstructions you are facing,  you can ease on down the road dumping everything that will hinder you! Who would have thought that the lyrics of a song from a musical could offer so much life??  Join me why don't you....EASE ON DOWN THE ROAD!!

Lending my voice,

Lady J