I Know Where I've Been

So, today marked the day I auditioned for a show after a long period of submitting videos.  My last face to face audition took place in February at PCPA (Pacific Conservatory Performing Arts) in Santa Maria, CA.  I auditioned for Hairspray, a show that's dear to my heart, a show in which I was nominated for a Helen Hayes Award (Best Supporting Actress) for exceptional actors in this region.  I've been fortunate to do this show several times and each time has been an experience BEYOND what I could have conjured up! My Creator showed me incredible favor and I developed MANY relationships as a result of this show.  Not to mention, the show has a POWERFUL message of love and acceptance...

Back to the audition, I didn't get the part.  Although, I was led to believe the part was mine.  Either way, I wasn't upset.  I'm learning: auditions are relative, they are subjective.  There are so many variables that play into whether or not an actor gets a role.  You can prepare and do an excellent job but it really depends on the casting team and what THEY are looking for.  While it is very important to care, as an actor you have to be very comfortable with "No's", you have to know HOW to accept rejection.  Not being cast for your dream role, isn't always predicated on your talent or lack thereof, sometimes, you just don't fit the type.  It's not always easy to accept but with time and determination, it becomes easier to put it in its' proper perspective!

Well, today I auditioned for a local Children's Theatre and I believe my audition went OK but I walked away from it feeling some kind of way....  Although, I was grateful for the experience, I felt like it's time for me to get  another creative surge...I felt like something was missing, my passion...my connectivity.  I delivered my monologue and sang my song BUT I wasn't there.  I've been so overwhelmed by the demands of my 9-5 job, that it was hard for me to transition.  I've noticed that my creative energy has been smothered by the demands of what I am EXPECTED and REQUIRED to do.  Daily, I try to rehearse these words:  "Happiness is the JOURNEY not the destination.   Jesaira, don't worry be happy."  I would be lying if I said I knew exactly what the Lord had planned but the truth of the matter is this:  I HAVE NO CLUE!  I'm going with the FLOW and I am not sure of my next step.  Literally, I feel like I'm been led around in a dark room with many mazes, detours and turns.  And sometimes, that's down right scary....

I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN....

I can't tell you HOW many times I've sang this song but there is a part of this song that resonates in my heart.  The second verse says:

There's a cry 

In the distance 

It's a voice that comes from deep within 

There's a cry asking why I pray the answer's up ahead 

'Cause I know where I've been.

There is a CRY within my heart...although, I know where I've been, I'm not quite sure I know where I'm going...I guess this is where my faith must kick in...I'm praying that the answer is UP AHEAD...Sometimes, this uncertainty is down right frustrating.  So, after my audition today, I decided I needed to do something to get my creative surge, my creative edge back.  LOL.  Therefore, I'm writing this blog, lending my voice.  Presently, I'm in rehearsals for an upcoming show and I've been extremely disconnected. While I am looking forward to playing the role - the rehearsal process has been very hard for me, I'm fighting my insecurities and my nervous energies.  I'm a perfectionist and when I am not my best, I am very hard on myself.  I believe I will get through it.

So, today I auditioned and we will see what happens....  I know where I've been, not sure of where I am going BUT I am learning to trust God.

Lending my voice,

Lady J